Comedy Corner: Close encounters of the cat kind

I strongly dislike cats.
A year has passed since the cat arrived. But over the last year, after receiving repeated cat presents, like gofers and rats and an occasional bird, I have come to an understanding with this cat. I will allow it to come through the kitchen window and it will allow me to feed it roast beef.
I tried the whole milk in a bowl myth. It hates milk, who knew! My dog loves milk. Go figure.
The cat’s previous owner was a vegetarian and I am a hardcore carnivore. It’s the only thing me and the cat have in common. Anyway, it was super skinny before the owner decided to move on. Now it has trouble fitting through the new kitty door. Did I mention that the owner moved and left the cat? Yea, Major abandonment issues with this cat. Co-dependent and needy. I have to explain that this cat is unlike any I have encountered before. He really does behave more like a dog than feline. He comes when you call him and he has never bit or scratched me. Well, except, did you know that cats don’t like water?
One morning I was in the shower and there it was looking at me. The peeping tom cat had joined the spiders in their voyeurism. So it was covered in cobwebs.
I picked it up with my arms outstretched and I stuck it under the shower. Do you know they can actually arch their spine and with their back paws, wrap them around you like an octopus? Yep! I still have scars to prove it. I did not know cats can bend around like that. I don’t think he did either.
So now I am figuring out how to keep my dog and the cat apart. People have asked me what would happen if they encountered one another on the battle field and I said I do not know, because Blue (my dog) hasn’t caught one. But I do not think it would be pretty.
So now in the morning, the cat meets me in the kitchen and wraps itself around my legs wanting to eat. If I don’t feed it first, it will follow me into the bathroom. It seems to be fascinated by my bodily functions.
Weird cat. I am sitting there on my morning throne reading when all of a sudden it pops up between my legs. Ugh! Go away! What’s that all about?
I kinda don’t like cats.
Did I tell you it’s gained a lot of weight? It’s looking more and more like Garfield. I do not think I am the only one feeding it. When I let it out in the morning it always seems to head in the direction of Rocky’s Café a few houses down the block. I swear I smell bacon on him. My dog’s so jealous. Blue looks at me like, ‘hey where’s my bacon’? Blue hates cats. Me, I am not so sure anymore.
Michael Larson is a 14-year resident of Felton and an aspiring comedy writer. He lives with his dog Blue. Contact him at mi***************@ya***.com.