Comedy Corner: It’s a coffee wonderland

Last year, I had to do a field research paper on addiction to fulfill one of my class requirements for my addiction studies major at Bethany University. It was a great project. All I did was hang out at my two favorite coffee houses, The White Raven in Felton and Peet’s Coffee & Tea in Scotts Valley. The following is a portion of my term paper:
Talk about a field trip into manic insanity! (Charlie Sheen save me!) The addicts come from all around the county to partake in their favorite addiction of caffeine. You can observe them drive up, park and slowly walk into the café.
I call this the Zombie Walk. I thought this was a good clinical name for it.
If one observes closely, one can barely see the pupils of their eyes. It’s as if all the blood has been drained out of their bodies, these poor detoxing people who have been waiting eagerly, early in the morning, for their next fix.
If you peek behind the counter, you can see the dealers — I mean baristas — huddled around the grinders as they divvy up the portions of black dust for each addict. I mean, customer.
The poor baristas never really know what they are going to encounter from the awaiting crowd. Sometimes, they get their heads chewed off by a nasty one here and there, but most of the time, the addicts are so grateful that they bow and thank the barista.
If you look closely, you can observe the addicts walk over to the coffee bar and add chemicals to their tonics. I observed one woman perform a kind of ritual as she opened two sugar packets at a time and poured them in. Each time she added them, she stirred her drink, sipped, licked her lips and added two more. At the end of this rite of passage, she had added 10 packets of sugar. I bet she was the life of the office that morning.
One gentleman poured half his coffee out and added cream and sugar, then poured some more out and added more cream and sugar. I think he left with just cream and sugar.
You can see the physical change in the customers’ countenance as they down their first few slurps of these delicious concoctions. You can see their very spirit change from down and overcast to bright and shiny!
They begin to talk and talk and talk. But no one cares or seems to notice, because we are all in the same condition.
Ah, the aroma of the Costa Rican blend! Oops — I mean, I observed the smell in a clinical fashion as the roasted coffee bean was smelted in the fiery cauldron of organic water-filtered hot bath of liquid love. Did I mention my caffeine relapse?
The one addict I did not understand, and will have to observe more closely, is the one who orders the following: nonfat, decaf latté, hold the foam. Uh, is that like ordering near-beer? Why are they here? What is the appeal if you can’t have the caffeine, fat and sugar?
This addict will certainly take further study.
Michael Larson is a 14-year resident of Felton and an aspiring comedy writer. He lives with his dog, Blue. Contact him at

mi***************@ya***.com











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