Comedy Corner: Man on pause

Menopause. That’s what it’s called when women go through the change of life. When men go through it, I call it, “Man On Pause.” That is Latin for “A man putting on the brakes in his life and looking around himself, only to discover he is suddenly old.”
OK, I know 50 is supposed to be the new 40, but tell my body that. What I have discovered is that men go through a change hormonally just like women. Only we’ll never admit it. Even if asked, we deny it — even when we are red in the face in the throes of a hot flash!
But instead of having a hot flash, we have a Flashing Hot New Sports Car. Or instead of getting gray hair, we get silver hair and are called names such as, “the silver fox,” or — OK, that’s all we get called. There are other names, but I cannot repeat them in a family paper.
At this age, we learn new names for medications, such as Viagra, Cialis, Celebrex and Aspirin 81 mg — and even bigger words such as proctologist, cardiologist and “Oh my Godiologist!”
As I turn 50, I am not coming to terms with my age very well.
Where did ear hair come from? Or why does my right leg start twitching before I go to bed? I hate aging.
Whenever I think of trying to “fix it,” in the cosmetic sense, the consequences just seem too severe. What if something goes wrong? I don’t want duck lips or my eyebrows up around my hairline — or what’s left of my hairline.
But I don’t want my belly hanging around my knees. So I work out and swim and try to eat right, but it seems that even though all those things are great, I still cannot seem to get my physique back to the way it was my 30s. I just do what I can do.
In the future, if you see me looking at reading glasses at Walgreens, please pretend you don’t see me, because I probably won’t see you.
Ouch, I just got a finger pain typing this. What is up with those phantom pains?
My theory is this: Your outer brain is called grey matter. So when brain cells die, they go up through your scalp and turn into grey hair. At this point in my life, my hair is completely grey.
So if I use L’Oréal for Men on my hair, do my brain cells get younger? Hey, I have earned this head of grey matter, darn it!
Michael Larson is a 14-year resident of Felton and an aspiring comedy writer. He lives with his dog Blue. Contact him at mi***************@ya***.com and visit his blog, comedycornermikelarson.blogspot.com.