Comedy Corner: The treadmill versus Food Network: Who will win?

So I joined that new gym in Scotts Valley, not club No. 2. And, I must say, it is quite amazing! I will be writing about it in future columns. But something happened this week that I thought was thought-provoking on many levels.
On most of their cardio equipment, the gym has stationed individual TVs so you can plug your headset in and watch your favorite show while you’re running, stair-climbing or doing some god-forsaken back-bending, leg-twisting, heart-beating, lung-sponging exercise.
So, here I am on the treadmill for about five minutes, bored, and I think to myself: “Self — is there anything on TV to tread to for the next 20 minutes?”
I start channel surfing. Gulf oil spill, no. Gulf oil spill, NO. Lindsey Lohan, god no! Ah, the Food Network. And one of my favorites: “Barefoot Contessa.”
I must confess that I am a real foodie, and that is one of the reasons I am here on this treadmill.
As I start really getting into the show, I notice that there is a real heavyset dude on my right trudging along on his treadmill, watching his show but glancing at mine periodically on the sly. And I begin to wonder, “Me watching the Food Network in the gym — is it like offering an alcoholic a beer?”
I am tempted to ask the guy if it’s a stumbling block for him, but I don’t. I just decide to ignore him and hope he does not go out and gorge himself after his workout. The Contessa is known for her high-calorie recipes, and, boy, is she cooking up a storm today, making orange pound cake with lots and lots of sugar and blueberry syrup. She even thinks if she adds yogurt, it will be healthy.
Well, the next show comes on: “Down Home with the Neelys.” Fried pork chops!
To my amazement, the next thing I knew, I’d been on the treadmill for 30 minutes, rather than my intended 20. My gosh — the Food Network actually made me work off 30 more calories than usual.
I wonder how much weight I could burn off if there were a Paula Deen marathon, y’all? Butter and mayo, anyone?
Michael Larson is a 14-year resident of Felton and an aspiring comedy writer. He lives with his dog, Blue, and is working to complete his Bachelor of Arts at Bethany University in addiction studies. Contact him at mi***************@***oo.com.