Commentary: Communication needed to ensure respect, safety

I am a San Lorenzo Valley resident. I’ve lived in Santa Cruz County for 18 years and have always felt safe here. Safe as a woman, as a Jew and as a lesbian, as well as safe in general.
My feeling safe here can largely be attributed to the reputation Santa Cruz has for being a culture of forward-thinking, open-minded people. It can also be attributed to my never being someone to go looking for trouble. Unfortunately, trouble smacked me, quite literally, in the back of the head this past Sunday night.
As I was leaving CineLux Scotts Valley Theater’s 6:30 p.m. showing of Avatar, discussing the movie with my two friends and their 10-year-old son, I felt something hit the back of my head, hard. It wasn’t large or heavy, but it whipped fast enough to hurt. I grabbed my head and turned around to see a group of teenage boys glaring at me with a mixture of self-righteousness, hate and guilt.
I’m not someone who likes to make a scene. I decided in that moment not to confront the boys. Yet, in that moment, I also knew exactly what had happened. At the very most it was a hate crime, at the very least it was an assault of hate and privilege.
Most people assume that I am gay when they meet me. I have short, boyish hair, wear more masculine clothes and am not a stereotypical-looking girl. This is how I have looked for many years. This is how I am able to move through the world authentically. The way I look shouldn’t make anyone jump to conclusions about my sexual orientation, but the fact that I’m gay should also be just as acceptable as the way I look.
 Because of assumptions these boys made, they felt they had the right to throw something at my head. I was minimally injured, but it could have been worse. It could have been a sharp object, or I could have turned at the wrong moment and been hit in the eye.
But the fact that I was minimally injured is not the point. The fact that anyone — young, old, male, female, of any religious background, race or socioeconomic status — feels they have the right to act violently toward me or anyone else based on looks, stereotypes and assumptions comes from a place of privilege we rarely speak of, and it is absolutely wrong.
Experiencing this has reminded me how important it is for us to consistently and clearly discuss racism, sexism, homophobia, gender bias and all forms of privilege and oppression with one another — especially parents, teachers and kids. What these teenagers did is unacceptable.
This incident has hurt me, as well as my two friends and their son, who live in Scotts Valley. Anyone experiencing this would feel shaken up, outraged and less safe in their own community. This is how I feel. This is why I’m sharing my experience with you, so I can ask for your help.
If you overhear your kids talking in an oppressive or hurtful way, intervene with compassion and good information. Talk to your kids when you see injustice and share your thoughts on treating everyone with respect.
We must teach our kids what is and isn’t acceptable, give them clear information about people’s differences and similarities and make sure they see everyone as whole people who deserve to be treated with respect at all times. This is how we can make sure incidents like this never happen again.
• Ali Spickler is a San Lorenzo Valley resident and a senior field representative for Assemblyman Bill Monning.