Letter: We put ‘speed’ in speed dating

EDITOR,
With regard to speed dating in San Lorenzo Valley — we are glad to see that “speed dating” will soon be available in San Lorenzo Valley. With the high rate of meth usage, it ought to do well here. We thought we would help organizer Nick Naccari along by providing a questionnaire to address some of the special needs of Valley residents, in determining their compatibility for intimacy.
1. I bathe: __ weekly; __ monthly; __ once a year whether I need it or not; __ I believe body odor is a natural perfume.
2. Type of vehicle required to visit my house: __ truck; __ 4-wheel drive; __ armored tank; __ helicopter.
3. Number of non-operational vehicles strewn around yard: __ 10 to 12; __ 13 to 18; __ 19 to 20; __ more than 20.
4. Number of operational vehicles I own:
__ 0; __ 1 (part-time).
5. Days per week I work: __ 0; __ 1 (part-time).
6. Nearest meth lab: __ two houses away;
__ next door; __ my house.
7. Number of teeth missing: __ 8 to 10; __ 10 to 20; __ all.
8. My septic system is: __ partially functional; __ the neighbors are complaining; __ an EPA Superfund site.
9. Religious views (check all that apply)
I believe in: __ UFOs; __ Chemtrails; __ Bigfoot; __ Orgone particles; __ Elvis lives; __ the squirrels are out to get me.
10. Number of pit bulls owned: __ 2 to 4;
__ 5 to 8; __ 9 to 12; __ more than 12.
11. Times of day they bark: __ until 1 a.m.;
__ until 3 a.m.; __ all hours.
12. Decibel level of Harley: __ 90 decibels;
__ 120 dB; __ 220 dB; __ what?
We hope these questions will help provide insight into some of the more subtle and delicate issues that couples need to address before embarking on the path of romance.