Ridin’ with the wheeldude: Trials, travails of smog testing

Recently, it was time to smog-test my 2002 Hyundai — a perfectly reliable, hardworking, economic little commuter with, sadly, more than 175,000 miles on it. It’s had no problems, ever, but recently, the “check engine” light went on.
My no-nonsense mechanic told me not to worry until it was time to smog. The car doesn’t smoke or emit smelly fumes, and I tune it up, check the oil daily and change it regularly. It hasn’t lost any power and actually is peppier lately than in previous years — go figure.
But, alas, after about $800 in repairs, mainly to make the “check engine” light go away, it failed the smog test. So, after a two-hour wait at the DMV, I got a temporary extension until September. (Naturally, the regular registration fee had to be paid before the expiration, and then the extension sticker was an extra $50 — the DMV’s kick-’em-while-they’re-down move, if you ask me.)
I did a few more minor things and added an off-the-shelf additive that “guarantees smog test passing.”
The emissions were cut significantly, but my Hyundai failed the second smog test, too. The mechanic says we need new catalytic converter (about $1,000 new, or $400 aftermarket). However, discussion threads on the Internet agree that the catalytic converter is a temporary fix for usually deeper problems. Whatever.
Because the $900 I spent was more than the minimum $450 required for smog-test related repairs, I naively assumed I’d get a two-year extension waiver and made an appointment with a smog referee at the Bureau of Automotive Repairs, San Jose Evergreen College branch.
I took all my receipts and smog printouts, to no avail. My repairs had been done before the first smog test, and they must be done after the first test failure to qualify. My mechanic erroneously thought he couldn’t do a smog test unless the “check engine” light was gone. Not true, according to a technician at Bureau of Automotive Repairs.
Then, if a second test fails, for those income-eligible, the state Consumer Assistance Program can pay as much as $500 for more smog repairs. If that doesn’t solve it, there are two options: you can get a two-year waiver/extension to fix the problem, or the state will buy the vehicle from you for $1,000. I’m sure some jumping through hoops of fire is involved once you go deeper into the procedures, but all I needed was another temporary sticker — for October.
So I visited the DMV again, and it looked like another two-hour wait. I’m an experienced DMV-waiter, since somehow I seldom have simple problems that can be handled by making an advance appointment or going online.
An interesting statistic from the DMV: In August, out of almost 2 million served, only 7.8 percent of customers made an appointment, which cuts the wait time by about 90 percent.
But I’m not bitter about it. It’s good for mental hygiene. I always try to use those two hours to read a book, work on my laptop, nap, whatever. Plus, contrary to what’s said by many critics, I think DMV staffers are really professional and patient with most cases.
A DMV experience
That Monday, there was an extra entertainment. It was a Texan, speaking in a theatrically loud voice on his cell phone to a faraway imaginary friend. The man paced back and forth across the entire office for two hours while describing his pain of waiting, while adding plenty of details about himself, his depleted finances, the divorced wife he hates, business failures and a lot of other random stuff that had a common denominator: all loony. And you could tell he spoke to nobody, because he was a very, very bad actor.
I think I noticed a few nervous smiles from nearby DMV clerks, and the waiting public grimaced disapprovingly. But I guess, since he didn’t curse, nothing could be done. (If he had been in a bar, though, the guy would positively get 86ed).
I wondered whether, when his number was called, he would bail out to do another crazy shtick elsewhere. The answer was no. He got an appointment for a written test and eye exam, and most likely will soon share the roads with you and me.
But there’s hope: The California Vehicle Code (Sections 13800, 13801) permits the DMV to investigate and re-examine a person’s ability to safely drive a motor vehicle for a variety of reasons, including a physical or mental disorder that might affect the ability to drive safely. Here’s hoping they put a special check mark next to his name.
And I got my October extension sticker from a nice Indian clerk who consistently called me “boss.” Better yet, the sticker was free this time. And life is beautiful, because starting next year, I’ll drive an all-electric Nissan Leaf, and all these problems will be as alien to me as pork to a vegetarian solar system.
Lucjan Szewczyk, the Press-Banner’s photographer, is a part-time cab driver who commutes to Scotts Valley from San Jose.