‘The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers’

A popular interpretation of the Bard’s famous line is that killing the lawyers will give us a measure of satisfaction for the irritation they cause. A more noble interpretation, undoubtedly offered by a lawyer, is that the character in “Henry VI” wants to kill the lawyers so the tyrannical paymaster can plunder with impunity.
There is no denying our love/hate relationship with lawyers. This month, I look at the hate side of the equation.
A key gripe about lawyers is that they are rude, condescending and socially inept. To this end, I must admit that a higher-than-usual percentage of students during law school were, well, socially not quite with it. M
any claim that the profession attracts a higher share of those with a certain personality — aggressive, self-centered and a bit clueless. I hope, of course, that I am not in this percentage.
Another complaint is tendered by a University of Texas business professor who posits that the average lawyer drains society of $1 million every year. Since there are some 750,000 lawyers in the U.S., we’re talking mucho frog skins.
Elaborating on this, a well-respected friend once told me that the brightest people he had ever met, as a rule, were lawyers. As I was puffing up and feeling better about myself, he quickly added his lament that lawyers don’t produce anything. Thus, it was his conclusion that not only do lawyers do nothing to progress society, but some of the brightest among us were being diverted from productive professions.
I have a solution, of course. I will gladly quit the profession if someone will give me $500,000 a year. That’s a 50 percent savings!
Of course, much of the venom toward lawyers comes from their billing practices and the sometimes sensationally stupid complaints they file. A Chicago attorney purportedly billed his client for the time he spent having sex with her. (A judge later ordered him to deduct this from the bill.)
A lawyer in Santa Cruz sued a contractor for $1 billion in punitive damages when an $18,000 floor was accidentally damaged by water. The court tossed the punitive damages, but absurd claims like this raise the ire of the public.
As one might expect, this animosity has to find an outlet somewhere, and it has manifested in a plethora of lawyer anecdotes and jokes. Comedians say that the best humor is grounded in truth, so judging by the sheer number of lawyer jokes, the truth is ugly.
I’ll finish up with one of my favorite anecdotes, which allegedly took place in an American courtroom:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes — it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Next, I’ll search for reasons why lawyers are valuable to society. Wish me luck.
Gary Redenbacher of Scotts Valley is an attorney in private practice. Contact him at [email protected].