Comedy Corner: Scared witless

Walking into the store several weeks ago, I was confronted by Halloween paraphernalia: candy, costumes and decorations. I said to myself, hey, it’s still August!
I double-checked my iPhone, and sure enough, it said it was still summer. My iPhone never lies. I even checked my weather apps, and it appears we still have a month of warm weather to go. So it cannot be Halloween yet.
Yet, the stores are telling us, “Be ahead of the game. Get your candy now before it’s too late, for it might pass you by.”
God forbid if you’re the only one in your neighborhood who does not have treats for the little ones this October night. Those wily Hershey’s, Skittles and licorice cartels can’t have that.
Oh yes, people, the sugar cartels run Halloween. Every time you buy a piece of candy, you are putting cavities in the mouths of children and money into the hands of the sugar terrorists. Stop this madness now!
Don’t you know these cartels are secretly funneling money from your pockets to the Willy Wonka foundation for Oompa Loompas? And the Oompas are not a nice group of people. Look at what they did to those nice kids in that movie. Those poor, innocent kids.
Every Halloween, I hide. Yes, hide. I close the curtains, lock the doors and turn off all the lights. I pretend it is an orange terror alert and stock up my own candy rations for the winter.
Hey, where’s the cat? Oompas don’t like cats. Do I hear Jamie Lee Curtis screaming? Or is that her mother?
Jason, Freddie and Jeepers Creepers, oh my! Did I see Princess Leia go by? Frankenstein, Dracula and the mummy, it’s your day!
I’ll be under my bed, hollowed away.
It’s Captain America, the Green Hornet and Thor this year.
Along with the Green Lantern, Dick Cheney and another Darth Vader — the remake or the original, who knows?
Henry Potter, Gollum and Dr. Who, how surly — oh! The doorbell just rang. Be quiet. Don’t move. Don’t breathe. It’s Halloween a month early!
Michael Larson is a 14-year resident of Felton and an aspiring comedy writer. He lives with his dog Blue. Contact him at mi***************@***oo.com and visit his blog, comedycornermikelarson.blogspot.com.