Think back to when you were 10 years old. Making a friend was as simple as sharing a swing set or trading half a sandwich at lunch. Fast forward a few decades, and somehow the whole thing feels… complicated. If you’ve ever thought, “How do adults even make friends?”, you’re in good company. And the answer matters more than you might think.
The Importance of Friendship
We tend to think of friendship as a nice-to-have. Something we’ll get around to once work slows down or the kids are older. But research shows that strong social connections are linked to lower rates of anxiety and depression, better immune function, lower blood pressure and even longer lifespans.
Friendship isn’t a luxury. It’s one of the most protective factors we have for our mental health. Good friends help us regulate stress, process hard seasons of life, and remember who we are when we’ve lost the plot. They celebrate our wins and sit with us in our losses.
Why Is It So Hard?
If making friends as an adult feels harder than it used to, it’s not you. When we were young, friendship had three ingredients built right in: proximity (we saw the same people every day), repetition (over and over, for years), and unguarded time (hours with nothing to do but hang out). School, sports, and summer jobs handed us those ingredients without us even trying.
Adulthood quietly takes all three away. Our days fill up with work, commutes, caregiving, and errands. We move for jobs. Our old friends scatter. And somewhere along the way, many of us absorbed the idea that needing friends is a little embarrassing.The fact that so much of modern connection happens through a screen, and it’s easy to end up with hundreds of “connections” and no one to call on a hard day.
Building Friendships on Purpose
The good news is that friendship in adulthood is absolutely possible. It just doesn’t happen by accident anymore. It happens on purpose. A few places to start:
• Go where repetition lives. One-time events rarely spark friendships. Join something that meets regularly: a running club, a book group, a volunteer shift, a class at the rec center, a faith community. Seeing the same faces week after week rebuilds the “proximity and repetition” we lost after school.
• Make the first move (and then the second). If you enjoy talking to someone, say so. “I always like chatting with you — want to grab coffee sometime?” Research shows people consistently underestimate how much others like them. Odds are, they’re hoping you’ll ask.
• Follow up like it matters — because it does. Friendship is really just a series of small promises kept. Send the article you mentioned. Text after their big meeting. Suggest the next get-together before the current one ends. Consistency, not grand gestures, is what turns an acquaintance into a friend.
• Let people see the real you. Small talk opens the door, but vulnerability builds the house. Sharing something honest signals trust, and trust invites trust in return. You don’t have to spill everything at once. Just be a little more real than feels comfortable.
• Reconnect with dormant friendships. Not every friend has to be new. That college roommate, former coworker, or neighbor who moved across town? A simple “I was thinking about you” text can revive a connection that already has years of history behind it.
• Be patient with the process. Studies suggest it takes dozens of hours together to move from acquaintance to friend, and even more to reach “close friend” territory. If it feels slow, that’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong. That’s just how friendship works.
When Loneliness Runs Deeper
Sometimes the barrier to connection isn’t a busy calendar — it’s social anxiety, grief, depression or old wounds that make reaching out feel impossible. If loneliness has settled in and won’t budge, talking with a therapist can help. Therapy is a place to understand what’s getting in the way of connection and to build the confidence and skills to change it.
Maaliea Wilbur, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, is Founder and CEO of TherapyWorks. For more information, visit mytherapyworks.com.
