Every August, my feed fills up with first-day-of-school photos. Backpacks bigger than the kids wearing them. Gap-toothed grins on the porch. New shoes, fresh haircuts, eager anticipation. I love those photos.
But after years of working with families, here’s what I’ve learned. The first day is rarely the hard part. The hard part usually shows up about three weeks later when the newness wears off, the adrenaline drops, and your kid is suddenly exhausted, or coming unglued over something that makes no sense.
Kids and teens rarely walk up and announce “I’m anxious” or “I’m overwhelmed.” Instead, they show you through their behavior.
Here are few common behaviors we see this time of year, and what they might mean:
Your 6-year-old who melts down at pickup
They hold it together all day, then fall apart over a banana peeled wrong on the car ride home. You try to figure out what went wrong during their day, or what you did wrong to make them meltdown. Remember that you are the one person they feel safe enough to finally let go. The meltdown isn’t rejection. It’s trust.
WHAT HELPS: Decompress before you debrief. Let them snack and have a quiet moment instead of the pickup interrogation. The real conversations will surface later and more naturally.
The 10-year-old who suddenly ‘hates’ a subject
“I’m stupid.” “Everyone’s smarter than me.” “Math is dumb, I’m not even going to try.” Underneath the attitude is almost always fear. Fear of not measuring up, of being the one who doesn’t get it. Right around this age, comparison and perfectionism start creeping in.
WHAT HELPS: Praise effort, not grades. Normalize that struggle is part of learning, not proof they’re bad at it. And keep an eye on the subjects they’ve quietly started avoiding. That’s usually where the fear is hiding.
The 15-year-old who’s always angry
This is the one that surprises parents most. We expect a struggling teen to look sad. But in teenagers, depression and anxiety very often show up as irritability — snapping, picking fights, a short fuse over nothing. It’s easy to read as disrespect. Sometimes it’s genuinely a kid who’s drowning and doesn’t know how to say so.
WHAT HELPS: Don’t match the intensity. Stay steady and connected even as they push you away. Name what you’re noticing later, when everyone’s calm. Try, “You’ve seemed really on edge lately. I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
The teen who seems totally fine
Straight A’s, every activity, never a problem. The kid you never worry about. Which is exactly why they get overlooked. Anxiety hides beautifully behind achievement, and high-performing kids often learn that their worth is tied to never dropping the ball.
WHAT HELPS: Check in with this one, too. Ask how they’re really doing, not just how school is going. Model that rest is allowed — and that you love them exactly the same on a B-minus day.
The Common Thread
At every age, don’t react to the behavior on the surface. Get curious about the need underneath it. The meltdown, the attitude, the anger, the perfect report card — they’re all just communication in a language kids haven’t learned to translate yet. Our job isn’t to fix the feeling. It’s to notice it, name it, and stay close.
Most back-to-school challenges settle within a couple of weeks as routines take hold and the nervous system catches up. But when changes like sleep issues, a stomachache every morning, a kid who’s checked out of the things they used to love, that’s your cue to reach out. You don’t have to wait for a crisis. Reaching out early isn’t overreacting. It’s parenting and supporting.
Maaliea Wilbur, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, is Founder and CEO of TherapyWorks. For more information, visit mytherapyworks.com.
